I suppose it is an exercise in arrogance to write a blog of an unfulfilled life, but here I am, at 44, at the midpoint of my life (under the hope that modern medicine will allow me to live to see my late eighties) writing of a life most unspectacular. Being on the wrong side of an M&A for the fourth time, finding myself looking for work once again, I am in the soul crushing existential crisis of seeking an employer or staffing agency to assess a favorable value of me. I hate all the positivity talk about self worth, when worth is always dictated by those with capital. Trying to pitch my worth is its own version of hard to do with strangers, not that doing the same to people you are acquainted with is easy. Questions periodically swirl in my head, all along the vein of “what exactly can I take from the last two decades of work?,” messing with what equilibrium that I once had.

I had given up early on achieving happiness back in my twenties, and have since been chasing a simple contentment that has evaded me for decades. It is a sisyphean task when you are mired in suck and surrounded by family that insist that you find happiness. I keep pushing that imaginary boulder nonetheless. Maybe something will break my way by accident, because I am never quite there.

The only comfort I can take from my failings and failures is that I can make little sense of the world around me. I doubt I could take the absurdities of the world if I had my shit together. The paradigms that I was brought to believe feel like they are held together with weakest strings of wishful thinking, and I doubt I will ever have the requisite optimism ever again.

Anyhow, I will try blogging my foolish thoughts for a while, and try to create soundtracks for days simply passed.

If you feel inclined to listen, the soundtrack for my day is 07302024.

1. I Get Lifted – KC & The Sunshine Band
2. Bye Bye (acoustic) – Shishamo
3. Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana
4. Bulb – The Yellow Monkey
5. Creep – Radiohead
6. I’m Still in Love with You – Al Green
7. Maxine – Ghostface Killah
8. Genesis – Justice
9. Wanna Be Startin’ Something – Michael Jackson
10. Tu Queria – Seu Jorge
11. Flute Loop – Beastie Boys
12. Symphony 2000 – EPMD
13. Date Rape – Sublime
14. Is It Love Or Desire – Betty Davis
15. Paris (Ooh La La) – Grace Potter and The Nocturnals
16. Little Girl – Death from Above 1979
17. Roots Bloody Roots – Sepultura
18. Blind – Korn
19. Ultrasonic Sound – Hive
20. The Egyptian – Art Blakey