I suppose I only have myself to blame at this stage in my life for not understanding the world around me. I haven’t studied well enough, read enough, and haven’t experienced the gamut of experiences that the world affords. Given my poor preparation to live this life, I suppose I could fall back on paradigms, but I cannot help but think that the paradigms that provide structure for living benefit the few that create, cultivate, and nurture them, and I am not one of those few. The paradigms that people fall back on, religion, politics, economic systems, feel dictated to the masses to provide numbers to support the individuals that prop them. I did not find religion; religion was presented to me in my youth. My early politics were formed by my immediate surroundings. As the decades piled up, I did not see how these paradigms suited me, and I pulled away.

Paradigms only achieve credibility with mass acceptance. If you don’t hold to common paradigms, you find yourself left out. What separates religion from cult and personal delusion is time and collective embrace. Moving away from religion, I feel a bit delusional, since any belief I fill in its void will be outflanked by true believers. It does not feel like a winning strategy. I don’t feel like losing, but I have not felt God’s love or seen God’s plan on a personal level. I don’t enjoy the company of church that suggest that God’s love and God’s plan is there for me. I really don’t enjoy hearing that people see that God is working in my life. The arrogance, justified or not, annoys me beyond belief.

I was brought up republican, to the point that I assisted in a mail-stuffing project for a mailing for a GOP senate candidate back in my high school days. I am not sure why I got on board with the GOP platform outside of my dad’s side of the family being republicans. I never truly thought republicans were better for national security. I cannot get myself to think that laissez-faire is anything but lazy fare. I don’t value guns. I feel foolish now for having embraced the hive mentality of politics. I haven’t moved left to the democrats, because it feels like passing on one hive mentality for the comfort of another.

Pulling away from religion and politics makes me realize how badly I used them as poor substitutes for an adequate understanding of the world around me. Without the simple framework of paradigms, I cannot make much sense of what is before me. Is the world a mess of happenstance and coincidence? Is it a clusterfuck of consequence resulting from actions from believers of conflicting paradigms? Is there rhyme or reason?

Soundtrack for the day on Spotify, 08012024:

1. Glory Box – Portishead
2. Turiya and Ramakrishna – Alice Coltrane
3. Roses – Outkast
4. Slide – Slave
5. Sweet Talk – Spank Rock
6. Sloop John B – The Beach Boys
7. Crop Comes In – Chatham County Line
8. Me and the Devil – Gil Scott-Heron
9. Hate or Glory – Gesaffelstein
10. Ænima – Tool
11. Starve – Rollins Band
12. Dudun-Dun – Para One
13. Higher State of Consciousness – Josh Wink
14. Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
15. Do Your Thing – Charles Wright & the Watts 103rd Street Band
16. We Have Explosive – The Future Sound of London
17. Planet Rock – Afrika Bambaataa and the Soul Sonic Force
18. Like a Prayer – Madonna
19. Go! Go! Heaven – Speed
20. Strings of Life – Derrick May